I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
It’s hard to be happy. I painted “Lived Too Long...” while I was hoping I would just die.
I’m stuck reliving the last year because I’m still in the apartment with the mother of my son who cheated on me with our musician neighbor upstairs and then dumped me on Bruce’s second birthday because I wasn’t okay with him being her polyamorous 2nd relationship because of proximity and my lack of trust in him. Cut to end of September when she tells me she’s been shagging him since July and that is my was my fault because I was in constant overload due to stress and seeing the woman I loved, the woman I was engaged to who had my son was throwing me away and my daughter was hurting her brother, leaving needles on the floor for him to crawl around and find, putting human shit input rubbish bins and on Bruce’s toys...
Being undiagnosed autistic until 2017 with no therapy is not good. My rage issues are well known and when I’m hurt I go right into roast mode and “go for blood” with every insult, because how dare you betray my trust so bad... It’s abusive. Plain and simple. I’m in therapy now, but that doesn’t change the fact that when Lisa told me she wanted to be with the musician open mic host upstairs neighbor too because she fell in love with him one day when she looked into his eyes and she feels he’s her twin flame... I wasn’t nice. I called her a whore. And a multitude of other things in a blind rage. In my mind she had already cheated on me. I was in a blind rage reliving every experience of being left for another man. I was reliving past trauma. And she justified cheating on me with that. She kept rubbing it in my face that she was in a new relationship with the neighbor even though she could see what it was doing to me mentally and enotiemotionally. I dropped weight like it was going out of style. Every week the musician would text me instigating. Pushing me to explode threatening to be me up in front of my kids. He even tried to get in my door to fight me when I was along with two year old Bruce. Every week Lisa would tell me that it was my fault she left me for kelvin because I was so mean. In the meantime Sophia was getting worse and worse to the point where she had to be hospitalized and removed from th home
Because she was a danger to Bruce. Meanwhile I’m
Paying all of the rent with my SSI and Lisa is throwing fits and not letting me go out if she wants to go out with kelvin... day after Christmas she goes and fucks him. Two days later just goes up for a quickie and comes back downstairs like whatcha gonna do? In February she stops that and tries to focus on herself. Well now she’s right back at it and I’m stuck and I can’t live through this again. I’m really not strong enough.